Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Year My World Turned Upside Down

When you experience something worse than death, you go through something so profound and tragic that you lose yourself for a while. At least I did.
Divorce is worse than death. It takes your breath away, breaks your heart like it’s never been broken before and leaves you feeling empty, confused, and scared out of your mind.

When I was 19 years old, I met the man of my dreams, married him by 20 and figured my happily ever after had arrived and something like divorce would never happen to me. Oh hey most na├»ve girl in the world… what’s up.  I now understand there’s about 40 years of growing up between the ages of 19 and 26.

I have no desire to go into detail about what happened between my ex-husband and I, where we went wrong and why we aren’t married anymore.  I will not talk about my daughter’s father in a bad light on here, in respect to her and her right to love him. Also, I know by now that digging up those painful memories will only end up in me crying myself to sleep, and even after a year, wondering how in the world I can go on another day with this much heartache eating at my soul.

I had absolutely NO idea how divorce would affect me. And let’s be honest, newly divorced single extremely depressed and extremely adventurous Jessica with her own apartment in the city? Great idea. Not. The incomprehensible heartache that clung to me and weighed me down every minute of every day left me desperately trying to find anything that would take the pain away for even a second. In my extremely vulnerable state, I gave into things I shouldn't have. My one little ray of sunshine was of course my sweet daughter. She kept me sane and never failed to make me smile, even on my hardest day. Thank God she is in my life. Don’t know where I would be without my role as mother.

Oh hey, did I mention I became pregnant during all of this? Yep. Sure did. Once I found out I was pregnant, my eyes opened for the first time in a couple of months and I started seeing things more clearly again. I love my new baby girl as much as my Haven, which is an unearthly amount. SO FREAKING EXCITED TO MEET HER! I also met a friend over the summer who never stopped encouraging me to be a better person and rise above my challenges and circumstance. He is one of the best people I know. He makes my day.  More on him later, I’m sure. No, we’re not dating and never were.

 I have also been going to the U the past couple of semesters and have found out that college is freaking ridiculously hard when you’re a single prego mommy, but definitely worth it. And even though every day is still an emotional and now physical (7 ½ months prego now) challenge, I feel the slightest bit of healing in my heart and feel relieved that the healing has FINALLY begun.  

8 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you are in the blogging world!!
    You are one of the strongest people I know and definetly an example.
    Love you!

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  2. I have found that the farther we lose who we really are the more likely we are to really find ourselves again and then we realize that we really love who we actually are and that just maybe it was worth the journey that we had to take to understand how import we are to ourselves.

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  3. My brother read my blog! Hooray! :) Thank you greatest brother in the world. I agree with that. As hard as it was/is, I am thankful for my journey. It has helped me grow in a way that nothing else could have. LOVE you Joseph.

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  4. Aw Jessica! I'm so glad you have a new blog. I miss you. Seriously we need to visit with each other soon. I want to see Haven and you need to meet my daughter Lyla. I also can't wait to meet your little Jayla when she comes. I am so proud of you for facing your challenges and not crumbling. You are amazing!

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  5. I am sure that really good things are in store for you this year, even though I know that being a single mom to a newborn will be a challenge. I am cheering you on from here and know that you will do a wonderful job because you are such a good mom. And anyone that would judge you for anything I would say does not understand the truly heartbreaking and devastating thing that divorce really is--I think you're amazing to be so open and honest about your life and write about it. love ya

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  6. You are beautiful Jessica. Inside and Out. I look up to you sooo much girl. Your amazing :) I love you.

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  7. Thank you for all your encouraging words everyone! They mean so much to me! I am so blessed to have such amazing friends/family. You are all a strength to me. Love you all <3

    Also, Jordyn- We definitely need to get together before I move, which is very soon! Can't believe I haven't met your adorable baby girl yet. Seriously- she is ADORABLE! :)

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