Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Year My World Turned Upside Down

When you experience something worse than death, you go through something so profound and tragic that you lose yourself for a while. At least I did.
Divorce is worse than death. It takes your breath away, breaks your heart like it’s never been broken before and leaves you feeling empty, confused, and scared out of your mind.

When I was 19 years old, I met the man of my dreams, married him by 20 and figured my happily ever after had arrived and something like divorce would never happen to me. Oh hey most na├»ve girl in the world… what’s up.  I now understand there’s about 40 years of growing up between the ages of 19 and 26.

I have no desire to go into detail about what happened between my ex-husband and I, where we went wrong and why we aren’t married anymore.  I will not talk about my daughter’s father in a bad light on here, in respect to her and her right to love him. Also, I know by now that digging up those painful memories will only end up in me crying myself to sleep, and even after a year, wondering how in the world I can go on another day with this much heartache eating at my soul.

I had absolutely NO idea how divorce would affect me. And let’s be honest, newly divorced single extremely depressed and extremely adventurous Jessica with her own apartment in the city? Great idea. Not. The incomprehensible heartache that clung to me and weighed me down every minute of every day left me desperately trying to find anything that would take the pain away for even a second. In my extremely vulnerable state, I gave into things I shouldn't have. My one little ray of sunshine was of course my sweet daughter. She kept me sane and never failed to make me smile, even on my hardest day. Thank God she is in my life. Don’t know where I would be without my role as mother.

Oh hey, did I mention I became pregnant during all of this? Yep. Sure did. Once I found out I was pregnant, my eyes opened for the first time in a couple of months and I started seeing things more clearly again. I love my new baby girl as much as my Haven, which is an unearthly amount. SO FREAKING EXCITED TO MEET HER! I also met a friend over the summer who never stopped encouraging me to be a better person and rise above my challenges and circumstance. He is one of the best people I know. He makes my day.  More on him later, I’m sure. No, we’re not dating and never were.

 I have also been going to the U the past couple of semesters and have found out that college is freaking ridiculously hard when you’re a single prego mommy, but definitely worth it. And even though every day is still an emotional and now physical (7 ½ months prego now) challenge, I feel the slightest bit of healing in my heart and feel relieved that the healing has FINALLY begun.